Hold the guacamole!

Loud 30-year-old: "I will be somebody's cum bucket but I won't be anybody's cum dumpster!"

-El Chollo, Santa Monica

Except when you get gingivitis of the pussy

Acne-ridden not-so-attractive concertgoer: Girl sex is better than sex sex.

-overheard at the Alternative Press tour at the Avalon in Hollywood

What is smog, exactly?

Guy: If you live in Riverside, you can, like, get cancer from the air.
Girl: I know, it's, like, so depressing!

-Jessica, heard in a classroom

What if you see a burning bush?

DMT vet: When you see the yeti in the forest, you have to take the Buddhist approach and ask him: Why are you here? And what do you have to teach me?