And try not to terrorize the blind woman.

Pretty goth chick: Do you think if i call him up and ask him to come over and watch porn and fuck, he'll come?
Goth-chick's gay friend: Probably. But only if you call after 10. It's 6. Wait until dark.
Pretty goth chick: Yeah, you're right.

-Overheard at Starbucks on Sunset.

Hold the guacamole!

Loud 30-year-old: "I will be somebody's cum bucket but I won't be anybody's cum dumpster!"

-El Chollo, Santa Monica

Except when you get gingivitis of the pussy

Acne-ridden not-so-attractive concertgoer: Girl sex is better than sex sex.

-overheard at the Alternative Press tour at the Avalon in Hollywood

What is smog, exactly?

Guy: If you live in Riverside, you can, like, get cancer from the air.
Girl: I know, it's, like, so depressing!

-Jessica, heard in a classroom

What if you see a burning bush?

DMT vet: When you see the yeti in the forest, you have to take the Buddhist approach and ask him: Why are you here? And what do you have to teach me?

Well-Coiffed, Too

Guy: (referring to the fire in the Hollywood Hills) They've really got some fertile bush up there.

-USC

Hold the Hot Buns

35-year-old wearing an "I'm A Pepper" t-shirt: " I think my milk has a hole in it. Oh, that's good junk."

Almost A Really Good Class

Prof: Well I can open the lab on Friday because I know how to give head. I mean, I know how to take headcounts.

-USC

A Good General Rule

Guy moving couch: "It's a lot easier if you just hold it by the balls"

-Silverlake

Those Who Can't Do

Woman in miniskirt: I'm a teacher, yo! Woooooooo! I'm a teacher!

(Starts freaking the wall)

-Hollywood Canteen

Pardon My French

Crunchy Scooter User (on phone): Hi. Do you guys fix electric scooters?... Do I speak spanish?... Uh. Uh. Uh. Um. Pequito? Um. Trabaja el scooter electrico?... Okay, thanks. (hangs up). Bastards!

--Jefferson & Figueroa

Or Trade Her In For Her Silicon Parts

BMW Guy: The worst mistake I ever made was putting her on the deed to my house.
Other Guy: [indistinct]
BMW Guy: I can't! Not until I divorce her.

- Starbucks, Beverly Hills